


Zoey101 knockoff story

by Sageandshit



Category: Zoey 101
Genre: Original Character(s), Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:08:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23105266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sageandshit/pseuds/Sageandshit
Summary: HELLO!  I just wrote this as a cute knock-off Zoey101 story for my friends and I
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	1. Welcome to PNC

“Please call me regularly.” Alex’s mom kissed her for the fifth time on the mouth which, usually, Alex was not bothered by, but as students strolled past her, fully independent and with much less love-y dove-y mothers she became shy. 

“I will, I promise.” 

“We’ll miss ya’ Goob.” Alex’s dad’s eyes were glossy and red and Alex had to look away, quickly, or she’d start crying as well. 

“I’ll miss you guys so much.” Her throat hurt from the goodbye. “But I really have to go.” 

“Oh, my baby.” Bobbie Melsbruch squeezed the ever-living life out of her daughter as her husband rubbed his baby’s back. When Alex finally pulled away she saw her dad press a knuckle to the corner of eye and she knew that was enough. She couldn’t become a blubbering mess on the steps of her brand new high school before anyone knew anything else about her. She kissed her parents one last time and reminded them she was only four hours away. 

She waved as they pulled away, waiting for the SUV to round the corner before she turned to face Pacific Northwest Coastal Academy in all of its beauty. 

It was goddamn gorgeous, if she said so herself- and she did. 

She pulled out her information letter and skimmed through the first paragraph until she reached what she needed. 

214 Maxwell Hall. Maxwell Hall… Okay, Maxwell Hall. 

She started up the steps, duffel bag over one shoulder, two hulking suitcases being dragged by each hand, and a backpack to top it all. She had already seen her mistake in not allowing her parents to escort her to her dorm. Extra hands. 

Everyone here was some sort of summer-tan and looking very smooth and well nourished- this place seemed like Daddy’s Money Capital. 

“Excuse me,” She stopped at a fountain where two girls sat, watching older boys play frisbee on the lawn. 

“Yea?” The girl with glossy brunette hair and perfectly pouty lips turned to her. 

“Which one is Maxwell Hall?” 

“Oh!” The girl hopped down and turned the same direction Alex was facing. “This building is the Caff- but if you follow the stone pathway it leads back towards the Science hall and the English building- they’re both red brick. Behind those buildings and down a ways is student housing. Once you see brown-ish gray-ish buildings you’re there. After that it’s all like frats. The names of the halls are all posted outside.” She said at a rate of speaking that Alex had never heard before. 

“Thank you.” Alex said quietly, pretending to have comprehended that. 

“Oh, of course. Absolutely no problem.” She blew a bubble. “Is that a perm?” 

“What?” Alex was completely dumbfounded. 

“Your waves are so bohemian.”

“No… it’s not a perm. That’s just my hair.” She gave an awkward smile and then shrugged. “But thank you for the help.” 

“Oh, of course.” She popped back up on her perch and resumed watching sweaty boys throw a plastic plate around. 

Alex made it to a cluster of gray-brick buildings after lugging around, essentially, a house for an hour. She was exhausted. When she spotted Maxwell Hall she finally felt like this day was accomplished in a small way. She stumbled down the hallway, up the stairs, one suitcase at a time, and down another hallway until she reached 214 Maxwell Hall. Some indie rock was playing and the door was swung open. 

“Hello?” She called as she stepped in, knocking for courtesy- you know… in case anyone was changing with the entire door open. 

“Hey.” A girl with short red hair and freckles was laying on top of an already made loft-style bed with her head hanging off of the side as she read a thick paperback. “You’re Alexandra?” 

“Alex is fine.”

“Cool. Alex. I’m Emerson- Emmi is also fine.” She smiled and returned to her reading. “Your first year here?” 

“Yea.” Alex was still breathing heavy and threw her duffel on top of the full sized bed that was left. 

“Cool. You from around here?” Emmi’s accent was thick but Alex wasn’t sure exactly where it was from. Definitely east coast-y. 

“Yea, I’m from Salem- in Oregon… Not the cool witchy one.” Alex started unraveling her pastel blue bedding and setting up her living space- she wanted to shower first and foremost but she knew leaving the room immediately would set her up as standoffish.

“Brooklyn.” Emmi peered over her book and smirked. “So if you ever want me to beat the living shit out of anyone- I can do that.” 

“I really appreciate that attitude.” Alex laughed, “I have a long list- I hope you have tough knuckles.” Alex smoothed the last corner of her flat sheet, still out of breath from the walk but her breathing was only intensified by the unavoidable struggle of the fitted sheet. She threw her comforter on and stood back, tossing her three pillows towards the head of the bed.

“Tough knuckles and tougher Uncles.” Emmi laughed and returned to her book. “Oh- by the way, since you’re new here I’ll warn you. They’re gonna send the student body president to welcome you- she smells like a dirty hippie. Don’t hang out with her unless you wanna’ be a social pariah.” 

“Wow- you’re just an in-room professional advisor.” 

“Well,” Emmi shrugged, “You seem nice and the last thing I’d want is for someone I live with to become untouchable.” 

“Speaking of, I feel untouchable in a very literal sense right now. Where do we shower?” Alex eyed up the door in the room. Emmi’s eyes followed hers. 

“No such luck, dude.” Emmi smiled, “Huge blue door at south end of the hallway on the left.” 

Alex washed herself slowly, enjoying the steaming hot water, enjoying the solitude of the shower stall. -Because, of course, girls were slamming the door in and out and gossiping about summer flings, new teachers and which girls came back bustier and prettier. 

PNC Academy wasn’t a cheap chincy boarding school, the water never faltered when the flush of a toilet was called- despite the fact that she braced for it on the first flush. She had toured three other boarding schools before deciding on this one. Two of which were fully out of her parents budget and- if she were being honest- were intimidating to walk around at. Oregon offered “friendly, learning focused” boarding schools where parents flounted their love for diversity whilst the entire student body didn’t have a single spot of acne between them and had only ever solely shopped at their local organic co-op. 

Northern California had a similar too-rich-to-be-real quality about it, especially factoring in that every kid was adorned in brand names and driving off campus in cars Alex wouldn’t imagine touching in a showroom. 

The last one they toured was on the dingier side and had made Alex question whether or not she had even wanted to go to a boarding school- maybe public school was a step up afterall. But once she stepped foot on PNC Academy grounds she knew she had found the perfect middle ground. The kids here looked like an average gathering of high schoolers- and middle schoolers. There was Junior High lumped in here as well, most of their buildings were located on the eastern side of the campus. 

Alex heard that, finally, there was a moment of isolation in the bathroom and turned the knobs, wrapped herself and her hair burrito style, and headed back to her room.

“That’s fine for today but more often than not there are guys in and out of here until curfew so you might not wanna…” Emmi eyed Alex up in her towel- very post-shower flush and bared skin. 

“Good to know.” Alex cringed at the idea of running through crowds of male bodies in her current state. She changed as quickly as possible, pretending to be very cool with changing in front of someone. In her old school they started after-gym showers in sixth grade and she always opted out- simply slipping from her gym clothes to her school clothes in a stall. She had yet to learn to be cool about her own body and hoped that just pretending she was would soon become reality. 

“I usually wait until after eight to shower- but if I really need to I just change in the bathroom.” Emmi was now sitting at her desk under her bed studying something on the screen of her transparent blue wide desktop Mac. Alex noticed that the room looked more complete now. Emmi had acquired three different colored bean-bag chairs from somewhere and unrolled a cute purple rug. A couple posters hung up around her side of the room- a few bands and a movie poster. 

“So…” Alex flopped back on her bed feeling like a husk- but in a good way. Exhausted, clean and physically worn out. “I’m starving.” 

“I was just thinking I could go for early dinner.” Emmi said, checking her watch. “It’s four thirty so we can either pick at fruits and veg at the caff or get pizza or sushi.” 

“What? Do you drive?” Alex sat up. 

“No.” Emmi scooted down onto a bean bag chair. “There’s a pizza place and a sushi place on campus. Costs money, though.” 

“Sushi. I will always choose sushi.” Alex couldn’t think of a better way to bond with a new roomie and start a new school year. 

“Good- I was thinking sushi but I didn’t want to say anything.” Emmi laughed. “Let me just get Ryan first.” 

Alex followed Emmi down the hall, assuming they were headed to the boys dorms to grab Emmi’s boyfriend or friend when Emmi made a sharp turn at door 220 and rapt her knuckles quickly and incessantly. 

“HOLD ON!” Alex heard a guttural yell from behind the door while Emmi persisted. 

“Emergency!” Emmi yelled back, still at it. 

“ONE MOMENT!” A more hurried, annoyed yell returned. 

“It’s life or death. This is the dean. We need to escort you off campus.” 

“Oh fuck off-” The tallest girl Alex had ever witnessed whipped the door open looking mussed up. Her pastel shoulder-length bob was in disarray and a baby blue light-weight flannel was misbuttoned. 

“Were you- could you have been?” Emmi pushed past the girls shoulder and peered in the room. “Naked?” 

“Yes, you big creep.” The girl stood back and let Emmi in the room. She motioned for Alex as well, looking wary, her eyes sizing Alex up. 

“Ryan, this is Alex. Alex- Ryan.” Emmi plopped down on one of the two bean bag chairs in the room and leaned over, grabbing a gatorade out of the fridge. “Want one, Alex?”

“Uh.” Alex looked from Emmi to Ryan and shrugged. 

“Blue or orange.”

“Ew- blue. Obviously.” 

Emmi laughed and tossed Alex a slightly-cold bottle.

“Well now that you’ve made yourself at home.” Ryan rolled her eyes and correctly adjusted her buttons discreetly. “Nice to meet you, Alex.” 

“Nice to meet you Alex.” Emmi repeated in a mocking tone. 

“Really? Just right off the bat. Not even a ‘how was your summer, Ryan?’ ‘I missed you, Ryan.’ ‘Your hair looks great, Ryan.’” 

“My mom did a great job.” Emmi beamed at Ryan’s hair and Ryan broke into a smile. 

“She did, I won’t lie.” Ryan spun around, whipping her hair with her. “So what are you guys up to?” 

“We want to go get sushi. You in?” Emmi asked.

Alex kept pace between her two new buds. Emmi, the shortest of them, hustled along on her little legs- that girl had a lot of torso- while Ryan’s long strides had them hustling to keep up. 

“How long have you guys known each other?” Alex interrupted their debate over which film genres were superior. They exchanged a glance and laughed.

“I roomed with this loser two years ago in 7th grade.” Emmi pushed Ryan. 

“You were blessed.” Ryan scrunched her face up. 

“My parents and I moved here when my dad retired. I’m from Ilwaco.” Emmi explained, “So most kids here are from Seaview or Long Beach and I didn’t really know anyone.” She shrugged. “We roomed together my first year here and now Ryan only gets her hair done from my mom.” 

“Your mom’s a hairdresser?” Alex asked, watching Ryan’s pretty pastel hair glimmer in the sunlight as they passed kids of all ages. 

“Mhm.” 

“No wonder both of you have such good hair.” 

“Hey Ryan!” A random kid called, passing the trio. It was the third time. 

“Hey Mark!” Ryan replied. 

“Don’t let Ryan fool you.” Emmi fake-whispered. “She pays these people to act like this. She doesn’t actually know anyone.” 

The newly-formed squad sat at Jade Mountain Sushi for two hours questioning each other and laughing. Ryan let Alex know that this was her third year living in the girls dorms, before that she had been placed in the boys dorms throughout Junior High thanks to a childhood of misgendered confusion. 

Alex learned that Emmi had an older sister who owned a boutique in Brooklyn and scraped by every month because New York prices are completely unliveable but everyone that’s already there would hate to accept defeat and move anywhere else. 

She also learned that twice a year Ryan accompanies Emmi to visit her sister, Maya, and that she has a stubborn husband and three cute cats- one of which is technically Emmi’s and once she graduates she will absolutely be regaining custody. 

Alex shared that she was close with her parents, she stayed at her grandma’s one weekend every month and that everyone at her old school thought she was mute but in reality she just didn’t think most people cared to know her. 

“I’m not emo!” She had blurted as she watched them raise their eyebrows, “I just… I had my set group of best friends since kindergarten, and anyone else I just assumed was either lame or mean.” She shrugged. 

They played Never Have I Ever and everyone learned that at 15 years of age, none of them had experienced their first kiss.

“Unless,” Emmi added, “You count Peter Walabski in my fifth grade play.” 

“I…. I don’t think so.” Alex said, skeptically. 

“Hey.” Emmi pulled the soy sauce bottle away from Alex. “He followed me around the week after. I think he counted it.” 

“Fine.” Alex grabbed the bottle back. “But it’s a technicality.” 

“I’ll take it.” Emmi beamed popped her last piece of sushi into her mouth. 

They walked back towards Maxwell hall in a sushi-stuffed haze of joy and laughter- teasing each other and pulling at Alex’s hair until she admitted that it was, in fact, a perm. 

“Nobody’s hair looks like that naturally!” Emmi held her arms up in triumph. “You won’t get much past a hairdresser’s daughter.” 

“Ryan!” A girl was walking towards them from the basketball court in between the boys dorms and the girls. 

“Oh shit.” Ryan stiffened up. “Okay. Okay. Okay.” 

“Don’t be weird.” Emmi laughed. 

“Hey, Stella!” Ryan waved, her voice cracking midway through the name. “What’s up?” 

“I love this!” Stella approached Ryan, touching the lavender strands. “Who did you go to?” 

“Emmi’s mom.” Ryan’s face was now beet-red. Alex had no context for this interaction but that color of red said more than words could. She felt for Ryan. 

“Wow.” The deep brunette girl with deep brown eyes turned to Emmi and said, “She does some good work, huh?”

“Yea.” Emmi nodded. 

“Are you still taking the comp sci course?” She turned back to Ryan. 

“Mhm. Uhm… With Mr. Howard?” 

“Thank god! Yes! Mr. Howard. So you’ve seen your schedule already?” 

“Yep. Gotta be prepared.” Ryan’s octave shifted higher as she reached the ending of the sentence. Alex caught Emmi’s eye and they exchanged a knowing look. 

“We’re gonna’ hea back to the dorms.” Emmi slapped Ryan’s upper arm. 

“Oh! I won’t hold you guys up. I just wanted to ask if you wanted to meet up before Computer Science tomorrow and compare schedules.” Stella smiled. “I want to see how many classes we can be study buddies for.”

“Sounds great. We could uh… Meet at the caf?” 

“Perfect. Around seven? We can catch up! I haven’t seen you all summer!” 

“Sounds great.” Ryan said stiffly. “Catch ya’ up! -I meant then. Catch ya’ then.” 

“Have a good night, guys.” Stella waved to all of them as she joined her friends back on the court. 

All three of them exchanged glances and doubled their pace to reach the dorm entrance before Ryan let out a huge sigh/grunt hybrid made of pure frustration. 

“I SOUNDED SO DUMB.”

“You sounded like a normal person.” Emmi replied. 

“Minus your voice crack.” Alex said, causing Ryan to burst into a huge sigh. 

“She’s so hot. She’s so so hot.”

“She’s obviously interested.” Alex replied. 

“Yea.” Ryan leaned against the wall. “In studying.” 

“I’ve never asked another girl anything with that level of interest and physical contact.” 

“Me either.” Emmi snorted. “She was basically nesting in your hair.”

“I want to die.” Ryan cried.

“She’s always this dramatic.” Emmi said to Alex, pulling Ryan off of the wall. “Let’s all just get a good nights sleep or I’ll murder someone before tomorrow is over.”

Alex woke up, slapping her alarm clock into silence and pulling her laptop out of the shelf of her nightstand and on her lap. She heard Emmi rustle around in her bed. She powered her laptop up and logged into the PNC student intranet and found her class schedule. Her first class didn’t start until 9am. Chemistry with Mrs. Garns. She had that with Emmi, she knew. Emmi had her schedule copied down on her planner next to her desktop already. At 8, though, she was slotted in for “Orientation: Welcome To Pacific Northwest Coastal Academy” and she already knew this was the tour Emmi had mentioned the day before. 

“Why are you up, already? Classes don’t start until eight.” Emmi asked groggily. 

“Checking my schedule and stuff.” 

Emmi waved a hand and rolled back over, pulling the covers over her ear. Alex felt tapped as lightly as possible as she scrolled down the page but the guilt crept in regardless. 

She pulled on a pair of leggings and a big heather gray PNC hoodie, slipped on her Adidas slides and headed towards the cafeteria with her laptop in tow.

Alex was in the habit of wearing thin rimmed vintage glasses that her grandpa had given her. She had replaced the bifocal lenses with clear glass lenses so she could don them whenever she was too lazy to put on makeup. 

She pushed the glasses up on her nose and squinted as the sun raised, lazily, over the horizon. 

The campus had surprised her with it’s beauty multiple times in the past day or so. She breathed in the fresh warm fall air and spotted some tables in the courtyard that kids were eating and talking at yesterday. She got herself a coffee from The Coffee Cart that sat in the courtyard from 6am to 8pm every day and settled herself with her laptop and planner. 

She scribbled down her class schedule and vaguely planned her breaks out as she listened to the sounds of birds, teachers shuffling from the cafeteria to their classrooms, and the PNC Football team already winding down practice somewhere in the distance. 

“And I thought I was the earliest one out here.” Someone stood at the opposite side of the table and Alex looked up to see a puffy-eyed boy with curly brunette hair and green eyes. “I won’t stand to have my record beat.” He smiled. 

“Oh gosh.” Alex shrugged, smirking. “Guess you better change schools or set your alarms for 5am.” 

“I see your 5am and I’ll raise you 4am.” 

“I’m not gonna’ lie you’ve beat me. I’m not being pried out of bed at 3am unless there’s a fire and even then… I might take my chances.” She smiled. 

“Daring.” He pulled out the chair he stood behind. “Can I sit here?” 

“I don’t know it’s pretty crowded.” She looked around at the bare courtyard. 

“Wow she’s sassy.” He laughed and slung his backpack over the back of the chair, pulling out a laptop and the standard PNC Planner that all of the students were supplied with. 

“I’m Jake, by the way.” 

“Alex.” 

“What are you doing out here at barely past six?” He opened his laptop and turned around to look at the coffee cart with three teachers in line. 

“Making sure I’m not terribly late to everyone on my first day.” She held up her planner with her class schedule color coded with little asides under each to help her remember which part of campus each class was at. 

“Holy shit.” Jake leaned over the table and grabbed the planner. “Wanna do mine?” 

“Absolutely not.” She grabbed it back and smiled. 

“Hey, give that back.” He reached forward. “I think we have some classes together.” 

“Which ones?” She pushed it forth. 

“Algebra II with Mr. Rickman, Comp. Lit with Mrs. Riley and- Hey! Big dummy, why are you in French I?” 

“Ay!” She grabbed her planner back. “I can’t roll my Rs. I’m switching languages.” She glared at him. 

“Oh. Well I’m in French I too.” He laughed. “I dropped it last year to take more film-focused courses but turns out,” He shrugged, “Ya’ need it for college.” 

“Who’s the big dummy now?” 

“I’ll buy you coffee for the semester if you help me with French.” 

“Pourquoi?” She narrowed her eyes. 

“I also dropped it because I suck at it.” He shrugged. 

“Deal.” She shook on it. Free coffee was always worth it. “Any good at math?” 

“A genius.” He raised an eyebrow. “Are we bartering skills right now?”

“Barely.” She laughed. “I’m basically average at French but I’m shit at math so I’m getting the bargain, here.” 

“You think you’re average. Just wait until you have to deal with me.” His watch beeped and he checked the time. “Well that’s wonderful.” He stood, quickly. I didn’t even copy my own schedule down and I already have to leave. 

“What could you possibly be scheduled for at 6:30?” She watched him shove his belongings into his bag and throw it over his shoulder. 

“My job.” 

“At 6:30?!” Her eyes widened.

“See ya later.” He waved as he rushed towards the Library. 

“Jake C or Jake J?” Emmi asked as they brushed their teeth together. 

“You know what, I know exactly who you’re referring to because I’ve gone to this school for years.” Alex rolled her eyes. “I don’t know!” She spit her toothpaste out and swished mouthwash around. 

“Okay- describe him.” Emmi spit her toothpaste out and joined her. 

Alex made mumbling noises as she pretended to carry on describing him with hand motions and all. She spit out her mouthwash and said “Brown hair, green eyes, about the same hei-”

“Brown hair green eyes is Jake J.” Emmi spoit out her mouthwash at once. “I take a few classes with him.” She raised her eyebrows. “He’s hilarious. And so cute. I had American Film History with him last year. We did a few group projects together- he’s really cool.” 

“Well I’m glad because now we’re study buddies.” Alex and Emmi swung their backpacks on their shoulders before heading towards the cafeteria for breakfast. 

“Ooh.” Emmi shimmied her shoulders, “Study buddies.” 

“Study buddies.” Alex shook her head, embarrassed. 

“Just try not to get absorbed into his sweet baby greens.” Emmi joked. 

“Baby greens sounds like a salad mix…”

“Yea the moment I said it I wished I hadn’t.”

Alex’s first day went blurringly fast. Emmi had been right about “the hippie girl”. Cedar Devries gave Alex a shortened walking tour of her days’ schedule, showing her each building she’d be at in the correct order of her classes. All the while Alex was distracted by the distinct smell of incense and growing body odor. Washington was having some of the nicest weather this fall which meant warm fall days. The increasing temperature wasn’t doing wonders for whatever natural antiperspirant Cedar was using. 

She was kind, though, and Alex felt a pang of guilt for her inner monologue as they walked from building to building and Cedar asked her questions about her family and hobbies- doing her very best to make Alex feel included. 

Once the 8am class-end bell rang through the day was history. Alex found herself walking at double speed to ensure she wasn’t late to any of her classes. She felt overwhelming relief that in almost every class she had there was a friendly face. Three of her classes were with Jake J and although he sat near his friends. He gave her a friendly wave every time their eyes met in a new class. 

Biology passed with ease as she sat in front of Emmi and her friend Jess, a girl with dark hair, glasses and intense eyes who spoke in a low-dry manner. Emmi felt intimidated by her but upon class's end Jess had written her rooms’ phone extension in Alex’s planner. 

Her last three classes of the day just so happened to be the ones she looked forward to the most, her absolute favorite subjects and the courses that sold her on PNC. Philosophy I, Creative Writing II and Wellness- which was like gym but focused on activities like yoga and meditation as well as proper nourishment. 

Ending her school day in the outdoors, focusing her attention on her breathing as she made slow fluid movements that released the tension of the day sent her walking to the girls’ lounge in a blissful daze. 

“Bonjour!” Heavy footsteps thudded behind her, startling her as Jake caught up to her quickly. 

“Thanks for the heart attack.” She teased. “I was in my zone.” 

“Well snap out of it.” He snapped his fingers in front of her. “You’re a hard person to find and you promised to tutor me, Mademoiselle.”

“Right now?” She furrowed her eyebrows. “Right away? We didn’t even get homework today.” 

“No,” He laughed. “No. I just wanted to see when it worked best for both of us. And I want to follow you to the girls dorms because you guys have better couches.” 

“So you’re using me.” She narrowed her eyes. 

“Oh, absolutely.” They entered the lounge to find Ryan and Stella already sitting criss-cross on the couch, facing each other with their notebooks out. 

“Hey!” Alex threw her backpack on the floor next to them, marking her seat, and grabbed her wallet out to purchase an iced tea from the vending machine. 

“Hey, guys.” Ryan looked up and glanced from Alex to Jake. “Oh hey, dude.” Ryan greeted him as Jake took a seat on the floor near the pair. 

“Look at these losers!” Emmi’s voice called out as she entered the lounge and bounced down onto the couch next to Ryan. 

“Hey-” Another set of voices came from behind them as Alex took a seat near her bag and set her tea on the table. A blonde haired boy who was as tall as Ryan and a boy with long black hair pulled into a bun approached from the dorm entry instead of the courtyard entry. “Sorry, Ryan, we were looking for you in your room.” 

“Hey guys.” Ryan looked at Stella who seemed to have fully given up on studying at this point as she closed her textbook. 

“Is that the Computer Science homework?” The black haired boy asked. 

“Yep.” Ryan said. 

“Can we join you?” The blonde boy asked now. Alex looked up at Emmi and smiled slyly. 

“Yep. Why not.” Ryan sighed very lightly. 

“Oh great, thanks.” The black haired boy broke into a smile and sat down next to Stella, grabbing his textbook and notebook out of his bag. The blonde one, who seemed shyer, sat down near Jake on the floor and copied the other. 

“Guys, this is Emery.” Ryan gestured to the black haired boy. “And this is Paul.” She gestured to the blonde one. There was a chorus of “hey”s and “hi”s exchanged while Ryan rattled off, “That’s Alex. You guys already know the rest.” 

Alex felt her heart swell as she sat in this pile of new friends and acquaintances. People she hadn’t known a mere 72 hours ago but that she would be spending, hopefully, a lot of her time with. 

“Move over.” Ryan hissed at Emmi and Emmi playfully elbowed her back. 

“Hey- would you mind scooting over a bit?” Paul said, quietly, to Jake who, in turn, looked at Alex and mouthed “scoot scoot”. 

Alex pushed her bag down and scooched, in tandem with Emmi, all the while, internally smiling at this messy hodge-podge of people.


	2. Purple

Alex lay, staring at the ceiling of the dorm room, feet in the air, rubbing her toes one over the other as she explained to her mom how the past month at PNC had been. Her eyes moved from the ceiling to the posters above her bed of her two favorite bands and a poster for her favorite film. 

She had asked her parents to send her a package of things from her room. As it started to sink in that her dorm at PNC was going to be her home for a whole year she realized it needed to feel as such. 

Her mom included the knit blanket her aunt had given to her at birth, a 70s style thing, blooming with rich colors that was now spread across her bed. 

“And how are your friends?” Her mom asked in a caring, generous tone. Back home Alex’s mom knew all of her friends and even memorized their favorite snacks so that the cabinets were stocked when they came over. 

“Everyone’s good.” She flipped over onto her stomach and hung her head off of her bed, focusing on the lint unde Emmi’s desk chair. She told her mom about how Emmi had started working at The Coffee Cart three days a week and that Ryan had a job at the apparel store while Emery, Paul and Jake all worked at the campus theatre. She knew she needed to get a job so she could afford things at campus. The other day Ryan had to spot her for their movie tickets and popcorn- with the discount that Jake had given them. She couldn’t ask her parents for more money, either. They already sent her monthly allowance and she wasn’t doing anything to warrant that monthly gift.

A lot of the kids at PNC were wealthy. A lot of them didn’t have to worry about money- and she was lucky to have parents that sent her money on a monthly basis but she knew if she wanted to partake in the fun extracurricular activities her friends were taking part in she would have to fund herself. 

Her mother reassured her she would do great wherever she chose to work and asked her, once again, if she was studying and eating right. She promised her mom she was getting all the food she could handle and, at the moment, she couldn’t imagine getting less than a B in any of her classes. 

She gave her mom a warm loving goodbye, snapped her phone shut and sat up. It was friday night and she wanted to track down something to do. She grabbed her hodie, the cool autumn weather had finally hit PNC along with a constant drizzle. She slipped on her rainboots and left the room. 

“Hey!” She spotted Emmi’s red hair over the back of the couch in the girls lounge. She grabbed an iced tea from the vending machine and hopped onto the couch next to her. 

“What’s up?” Emmi said, flipping the channel from MTV to VH1. 

“I’m bored.” 

“Same.” Emmi shrugged. “Where is everyone?” 

“I think the guys work tonight.” Alex shrugged back. “I think Ryan is doing her gaming group thing.” 

“Why do I always think she has no other friends and then she’s constantly busy?” Emmi sat up, flicking the TV off. 

“Hey!” Erica Sherman said from her spot at a table of girls painting their nails. 

“Sorry.” Emmi tossed the remote to her. “Wanna go mooch free popcorn?” 

“Of course.” 

Emmi and Alex walked in the rain, hugged under the shelter of one umbrella, to the campus Theatre. It was aglow with purple and blue neon in the dreary fall twilight. 

“Welco-” Emery stopped short in his sentence as Emmi and Alex entered, shaking their umbrella off and closing it. 

“That’s horrible customer service.” Emmi sneered. 

“You’re barely a customer.” Emery retorted. 

“How did you get a job?” Alex watched Emmi eye him in the same way the evil enemy in every disney movie eyes up the protagonist in the first scene. 

“How did you get friends?” Emery shit back. 

“I could ask you the same thing.” Emmi tilted her head and spoke in a mocking tone. 

“I hate you.” He mumbled and resumed wiping down the concessions counter. 

“Where are your better counterparts?” Emmi leaned over the counter only briefly before Emery waved his towel at her to back up. 

“Do you want something or not?” He crossed his arms. 

“Not if you’re-”

“We were actually,” Alex kicked the back of Emmi’s foot, “Wondering what movies are playing right now.” she smiled, overly sweetly. Emery rolled his eyes. 

“I’m not letting you in fo-”

“Hey guys!” Jake and Paul appeared, holding two buckets, a mop, and wearing elbow-length yellow gloves. 

“What were you guys doing?” Alex surveyed the scene. 

“Bathroom duty.” Jake wrinkled his nose. “Someone really didn’t like the slasher flick.” 

Emmi and Alex grimaced. 

“You guys should see it.” Paul added. “You’d love it.” He looked at Emmi and smiled, teasingly. 

“Gross.” She shook her head.

“I’d be in.” Alex beamed. 

“Horror movies never have good plot.” Emmi picked at the sticky substance on the glass top counter before flicking it off of her fingernail and putting her hand in her jacket pockets. 

“If you see a random movie of our choosing we’ll give you half off tickets.” Jake raised his eyebrow. 

“No way.” Emmi backed away. “You’re going to make us see the slasher flick.” 

“I mean a half price ticket is in my price range.” Alex held her palms up. “What do you say?” 

“I would pay you to see any other movie.” Emmi mumbled.

“Tell you what,” Jake leaned forward, false-secrecy in his tone. “We get off in an hour and once the closing shift comes in we can all see our movie half price and free popcorn and drinks.” 

“Emmi…” Alex turned to her friend, eyes pleading. “It’ll be so fun.” 

Alex and Emmi ran, full speed ahead, to the library. They burst through the doors and doubled over, panting. By the time they approached the conference room they had regained some of their normal breathe pattern but still looked wild, hair lightly wet and mussed up from the run. 

They stood waving their arms and jumping up and down in the window as Ryan sat amidst a group of mildly greasy geeky looking guys and Stella. 

“A run and jumping jacks?” Alex said, already out of breath again. “Second gym class of the day.” They both started laughing and finally Ryan looked up. 

Her face was both confused and genuine concern. 

“You guys what’s up?” She closed the door behind her and surveyed her friends. 

“Movie.” Emmi took a deep breath. “In thirty minutes.” 

“Cool. I’m excited for you. I probably won’t make it. I’m going to be here for another hour or so.” Ryan started to head back into the room. 

“No!” Alex yanked her elbow. “Come with us? Please?” 

“Please Ryan?” Emmi gave her best angelic smile. 

“I promised I’d run one more round of this game, guys.” 

Alex and Emmi looked in at the group that was now watching the trio converse. They waved at Stella. She smiled and nodded. 

“Bring Stella. Come on, Ry.” Alex added. “You, Stella, deep knife wounds and scary killers in the dark?” 

“Yea!” Emmi joined in. “This could be it. You could make your move.” 

“I’m absolutely never going to make my move-” Ryan amphasized how dumb she thought this was by waving her hands around, “With you lot breathing down our necks.” 

“Come on Ryan.” Alex got down on her knees. “We haven’t seen you all week.”

“Don’t guilt me.” She wagged a finger but Emmi sensed weakness and tugged Ryan’s arm. 

“We miss you! Please?” 

Ryan inhaled and let out the loudest and deepest sigh either Emmi or Alex had ever heard. The wind made Emmi’s hair flutter. 

“So what movie are we seeing?” Ryan saisd in a monotonous, deadpan tone. 

“The guys said it’s up to them.” Alex reached up as they walked back to the theatre and picked a piece of sweater lint out of Ryan’s hair. 

“I’d bet fifty bucks it’s a gross horror movie.” Emmi said. 

“If Emery has any say in it, it will be. Just to get you back for being so sassy.” Alex chuckled. 

“Again?” Ryan looked down at Emmi. “Why do you insist on being so…. Emmi-y to him?”

“Hey!” She glared at Ryan. “He is just as much of a jerk to me. I don’t see any of you sticking up for me.” 

They all looked at her in silence. 

“Okay… fine. I get it.” She retreated. 

“Yea, I’ve never met a person who needs less protecting.” Ryan laughed. 

“Okay but still.” Emmi’s shoulders slumped. “He’s as rude as possible to me, as well.” 

“MAybe he loves you.” Alex laughed. 

“Gag me.” Emmi rolled her eyes. “He’s got a million opinions and they’re all completely shitty.” 

“There is nothing worse than a guy with bad opinions.” Stella chimed in to the sound of complete and wholehearted agreement. 

“Ready?” Jake leaned down and whispered to Alex in the darkness of the theatre. She was in the middle of stuffing a handful of popcorn in her mouth. SHe turned to him, cheeks full of the stuff, and watched him burst out laughing. 

“You look like a squirrel.” 

She chewed the copious amount of popcorn before saying “Who chooses that moment to ask a question?” 

“Who eats popcorn like that?!” He grabbed a few kernels and popped them in his mouth proudly. 

“Only complete sociopaths eat a few pieces at a time.” She gave him a look of mock-disgust. When his hand reached for the bucket again she jerked back. “Popcorn privileges have been lost. You’re a disgrace to the theatre community.” 

“Oh come on.” He reached again. She shifted. 

“Promise to do better.” 

“I promise!” He reached a third time. She pushed the bucket towards him and he scooped an enormous hadful. 

“Better?” Was barely audible as he stuffed a huge fistful of popcorn in his mouth. 

“You honor your country, soldier.” She said and saluted him. The lights dropped completely and she turned to Emmi. “Excited?” 

“No.” Emmi said. “But I’ll live.” 

“That wasn’t so bad, right?” THe group stumbled out of the dark theatre into the night and Jake put a hand on Emmi’s shoulder who was still laughing. 

“I’m just surprised.” She said. 

“Who knew horror and comedy was such a perfect pairing?” Stella walked close beside Ryan. 

“It’s like… I didn;t even suspect the man guy of being the killer. He was so charismatic.” Ryan added. 

“That’s, like, almost every serial killer.” Alex argued. 

“I’m not sleeping tonight.” Paul said as everyone walked towards the dorms. “It’s going to be impossible.” 

“Great.” Emery caught up to the front of the group. “I have to room with that.” He swung an arm around Paul. 

“Are you telling me that you vouched for everyone to see that movie and you’re more scared than I was?” Emmi stared at him. 

“I love horror.” He shrugged. “I also can’t tolerate it.” 

“Man.” Emmi shook her head. “Now that’s psycho.” 

The guys peeled off towards Jameson Hall while Ryan, Emmi, Alex and Stella walked on. 

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow!” Stella called as she turned towards the Junior dorms, McKerry Hall. Alex pushed Ryan subtly. 

“I can walk you to your dorm!” Ryan hurried after her, looking back at Alex. “It’s pretty dark out- it’s not that far from ours.” They heard her say as she and Stella walked on in the dark. 

“That was fun.” Emmi smiled as she turned her key in their door. 

“I’m so tired.” They both entered the room and Alex flung herself onto her bed. She pulled her wallet out of her hoodie and opened it. 

Six dollars. 

She sighed and pulled her hoodie off and changed from her leggings to sleep shorts. This had to get handled tomorrow. She couldn’t mooch off of her friends all year. 

“Goodnight.” Emmi said and flicked the lightswitch before climbing into bed. 

“Goodnight!” Alex replied, pulling the covers over her and turning over. Her eyes closed and she dreamt of popcorn and squirrels and money. 

“No prior job experience?” 

“No, but I’m a quick learner and I love getting good at whatever my task is.” Alex fidgeted in her chair as she sat across the retail store manager. Ryan walked into the stockroom behind them, pulling faces the whole way. Alex trained her eyes on the middle of Mr. Garrick’s forehead. 

“Well…. We do have one position open. When can you have a trial shift?” He asked. 

“I can start right now if you want.” 

“Well, let’s see how this goes.” He stood up and shook her hand. “Welcome to the team.”


	3. Breakfast

“Okay. Be serious.” Stella tucked her hair behind her left ear. Ryan felt her heart contract and expand at an almost worrisome rate. 

“What do you mean?” Ryan straightened up and put on a fake TV-Presenter voice. “I’m always serious.” 

“Ryan.” Stella pushed her shoulder and Ryan’s stomach flipped. They stood in the hallway outside of Stella’s room. Junior girls passed without giving them second glances. 

“What?” Ryan leaned against the door frame and looked behind Stella, taking in her dorm room. A lot of sports gear and pictures of friends. 

“Excuse me?” A shrill voice broke up the easy, flirty vibe as Stella’s roommate pushed past them with her hair in a towel and her toothpaste and toothbrush in her hand. 

“Well,” Stella’s dark brown eyes shifted towards the floor and she took a step back. “I guess I’ll talk to you tomorrow?” 

“Yea.” Ryan shrugged, flustered. “Of course. See you in Comp Sci, like always.” She walked backwards towards the end of the hall and the exit door. 

“Bye.” Stella waved one more time before closing the door to her room. Ryan turned around and jogged as casually as humanly possible to Maxwell Hall. 

“Ryan?” A bleary-eyes Alex opened the door as Ryan pushed into the room and plopped on one of the beanbag chairs. “It’s 11:30.” 

“I know.” Ryan gave an exasperated sigh. “It’s 11:30 on a Wednesday and I want to die.” 

“What’s going on?” Emerson rolled over and pulled the string to her bedside lamp, filling the room with a warm yellow glow. 

“I’m so sorry.” Ryan’s hands flew to her forehead and ran through her hair. 

“What’s going on?” Alex sat back in bed, pulling the covers up over her. 

“Don’t kill me- it’s not like a dire emergency. It’s a Stella thing.” 

“Oh c’mon!” Emmi threw a pillow down at Ryan. “I have two tests tomorrow.” 

“I know, I know!” Ryan tossed the pillow back lightly. “I know.” 

“What’s up?” Alex said. “Since we’re up already you might as well unload. Did you just get back from hanging out?” 

“Yes.” Ryan closed her eyes and slid down the beanbag to lay, spread eagle, on the floor. 

“Ryan.” Alex gave Ryan a cross look. “Nobody hangs out that much for that long without liking someone. Just ask her out already.” 

“I think she almost asked me to homecoming.” Ryan whispered. 

“What?” Emmi sat up. “How? What did she say?”

“She just kept bringing it up and bringing it up and saying it was dumb and how she didn’t want to go with anyone in her grade.”

“And?” Alex urged her on. 

“I don't know, guys!” Ryan pulled the beanbag over her head. 

“Ryan!” Alex threw a pillow this time. 

“I just kept saying ‘ha’ and ‘yea’ and ‘I get that’ and ‘I hear ya’” Ryan cried. “I HEAR YA.” She repeated. “Like a goddamn trucker, Ten four, buddy.” 

“Ryan, you’re going to actually kill us.” Emmi pulled her blankets over her shoulders and lay back down. “If you keep being stupid you’re going to give us all an anuerysm.”

“It’s like… whenever I’m around her I can’t stop thinking that she can’t possibly like me. I don’t even know if she’s gay or whatever.” 

“Have you never talked about it?” Alex asked, earnestly. “Have you talked to her about sexuality or anything? Hinted at stuff?” 

“No.” Ryan sighed, again. “No, because if I brought it up and she felt weird then I;d be a big creep. And what if she’s not cool with me, yknow? And how I am?” 

“You goddamn idiot.” Emmi sat up again. “She has known you since the fourth grade. She has been relentlessly pursuing you since school started- last year she constantly paired with you in AP Biology.” 

“You do kind of sound dumb.” Alex shrugged. “All I’m saying is if I chased someone as hard as she has been chasing you adn they didn’t reciprocate I’d feel so rejected adn dumb.” 

“Great.” Ryan stood up. “So I’m a coward and I’m mean.” 

“That’s not at all what we;re saying.” Emmi interrupted. 

“No- I know. I get it. I just feel like a jerk.” Ryan pulled her hair into a bun before her hands fell,m defeated, to her sides. “When I go to bed I think about the whole day and I feel like I know she likes me. But everytime I’m with her there’s this voice in my head that repeats that if I admit I like her it’ll ruin everything and she’ll laugh at me.”

“That’s literally everyone.” Emmi said, yawning, and moving to lay back down for the final time. “That’s everyone except me. Count yourselves lucky.” She gestured to both Alex and Ryan. 

“Hey. Leave me out of this, I’m not Flirty McFlirtypants over here.” Alex nodded towards Ryan who was opening the door to leave. 

“Well now you just sound stupid.” Ryan said and left the room. She walked to her dorm full of anxious thoughts and hope. 

As she changed into her pajamas and slipped into bed she thought of every possible interaction the following day could bring and how she could possibly muster up the courage to ask the coolest girl she had ever known to homecoming.

“This is it.” Ryan thought to herself, pulling on her favorite distressed jeans and her cutest flowy flannel. She pulled her hair into a high ponytail and took extra care with her winged eyeliner, her proudest feat of femininity. She had worked many long nights with trembling hands in the boys dorm bathrooms for these wings that could cut glass. 

“Jesus.” Emmi stared at her when she and Alex stopped by her room before breakfast in the morning. 

“Good or bad jesus?” Ryan asked. 

“Only ever good.” Emmi leaned in closer. Ryan looked every but direct eye contact while Emmi surveyed her handiwork. “You’ve really outdone us all, this time, Batte. That’s fine craftsmanship.” 

“I could never.” Alex whistled and then slapped Ryan’s butt before they started down to the cafeteria. 

“If this doesn’t work out we’ll all still go as friends, anyways.” Alex tried to comfort Ryan. 

“Cool. Exciting. Loving that energy but if we could not already be planning for the big No that’d be great.” Ryan adjusted her bra strap and took a deep breath. 

Alex and Emmi began bickering about where they would shop for dresses while Ryan counted to five and entered the dining hall. 

Her eyes found Stella like a magnet, laughing amongst her upperclassmen friends. She was drinking chocolate milk out of the carton and wiping her mouth on her arm and somehow making it look cool. 

“Good luck, Ryan.” Alex bumped her with her shoulder as she and Emmi moved to grab smoothies and coffee. 

“You got this, kid.” Emmi called back. 

Ryan wiped her hands on her thighs and walked through the cafeteria, noticing the floor had started to seem more and more like sand. 

“Hey, Stella.” Ryan’s tone was chirpy and fake and uncomfortable. She had greeted her so many times since school started, even joined her for a second with her friends. This felt weird. 

“Hey.” Stella looked up and gave a blank smile. “What’s up, Ryan?” 

Ryan’s brain went into hyper-drive. Everything up to this point was comfortable and easy and fun and friendly. It’s like everything Ryan had feared was true and that Stella had heard her brainwaves and put up her defences, completely repulsed by the idea of going anywhere even semi-romantic with her. 

“Can I borrow you for a bit?” It came out stiff, again. Ryan wanted to sound cool and casual and not-at-all-bothered and this wasn’t working. Why wasn’t this working? 

“Sure.” She shrugged and got up. She followed Ryan a few feet away and near some window seats. 

“I was just thinking,” Ryan started, already faltering in her decision. “Last night you were talking about the dance and… I don’t know, maybe I was overthinking everyt-” 

“Stella!” One of her friends’ called as their table got up the same moment the bell rang. 

“Oh.” Stella waved back and turned to Ryan, “I have to go. We can talk later, ‘kay?” 

“Sure.” Ryan said but she was already chasing after her friends. 

“What was that?” Alex asked as they all walked towards their perspective first period buildings. 

“I didn’t do it. I got interrupted.” 

“Well that’s fine, you see each other multiple times a day.” Emmi shrugged. 

“Yea… she seemed weird though.” 

“Look, you’re probably overthinking it again.” Emmi and Alex stopped at the science building. “We’ve got chemistry but we’ll see you at lunch or something. We can pep talk you better.” 

“Yea,” Emmi added. “And honestly nobody should get asked out at breakfast. It’s much more romantic in the evening.” 

“Okay…” Ryan shuffled to her first class, pondering if she had made up all of her and Stella’s flirtations. 

“Miss Batte.” 

“I’m sorry what?” 

“Miss Batte could you please answer question number seven on the board?” 

Ryan’s focus snapped back to the whiteboard as she said “Yes.” sharply. Her eyes scanned the list of cursive questions that stopped at five. “There is no seven, Ma’am.” 

“Yes.” Mrs. Mayers replied, “And you’d know that if you were here with us and not elsewhere in your head.” 

“Sorry.” Ryan slunked back in her chair and picked at her pen. She had one more class left. Computer Science. And she knew until she asked Stella to homecoming there would be absolutely no focus left in her. 

The bell finally gave way to her misery and rang. The students filed out into the hallway and then the courtyard and she shuffled, filed with dread, to the Tech Hall. 

Computer Science went the exact opposite way she had hoped, as well, leaving energy about her and Stella that was somehow even bleaker than breakfast. They were put on singular assignments and with no cooperation. It was like the world was screaming NO at Ryan for finally deciding to do something scary. 

It took everything in Ryan to not just speed to her dorm, dive into bed and not come out for weeks. Instead she called Stella aside when they got out of the building. Stella walked with her to sit on the stone hedges as they dangled their feet. 

“What’s up?” Stella said in a grey, monotonous voice. 

“Are you alright?” Ryan asked. She hadn’t known what she was going to say and she wasn’t planning this but now she felt like winging it was working out because Stella’s eyes met hers and she looked soft again for a second. 

“Yea.” She laughed a fake, tinny laugh. “Why?” 

“Well I guess I’m just used to you acting a certain way and today you seemed a little… off? That’s the best way I can describe it.” Ryan was moving her hands a lot and gesturing for the first time in her life. She wished she could stop but at this point things were just happening and she was a bystander in her own head. 

“I just wanted to make sure,” She continued, “That it wasn’t something I was saying or doing.” 

“What?” Stella laughed a little more authentically. “You’re not doing anything.” 

“Oh thank god.” Ryan felt tension release. “I was so worried because at breakfast yo-”

“I know, I’m sorry.” Stella put a hand on Ryan’s forearm. “I was feeling embarrassed because I think I was misreading a situation and it just made me bummed.” 

“Oh.” Ryan said. “I get that. I do that constantly. It sucks.” 

“Yea.” Stella returned to her dull tone and looked at the ground. “It does.”

“One time in kindergarten I assumed everyone was going to go to-”

“-Ryan.” Stella snapped her attention to Ryan again, interrupting her. 

“Yea?”

“Do you like me or not.” 

“What?” Ryan’s cheeks were ablaze with heat. 

“Do you like me or are we just friends?” 

“Is both an option?” Ryan let out a nervous laugh. 

“Quit being like that. I try to lay out all these hints and I really can’t tell if I’m wasting my time liking you or not.”

“Wait-” Ryan burst out laughing. “Are you serious?” 

“Ryan.” Stella looked upset. “Don’t be a jerk. It’s not funny.” 

“Whaddup nerd-” Emmi trailed off as Ryan entered their dorm room and looked from her to Alex morosely. 

“Oh no.” Alex sat up on the beanbag chair and pulled one close to her, offering a bowl of popcorn. “Come sit.” 

“WHat happened?” Emmi hopped down from her bed, spilling colored pens on the floor. She ignored them and sat at her desk. 

“I don’t really know how to say it.” Ryan rubbed a hand on her forehead. 

“That’s fine, no pressure, we-” Ryan looked at Alex and Emmi before she burst into a huge grin. 

“Oh you asshole!” Emmi her lightly on the arm before Ryan started dancing in blissful celebration, 

“So you have a date to homecoming?” Alex asked from her seat, setting her homework aside. 

“Guys…” Ryan stood, hands on hips. “I have a date to homecoming and a whole ass girlfriend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized i hadn't made the full names of everyone obvious so anyone referring to someone by their last name might be confusing so   
> Alexandra Melsbruch  
> Emerson Nillsen  
> Ryan Batte  
> Jacob Jefferson  
> Stella Gwan-Jeong  
> Emery Defoe  
> Paul Martinez  
> Jess Fields


	4. R.E.M

Emmi walked through the courtyard on, what was probably, the last nice day of the school year. She watched girls sit in huddles and boys play frisbee and two couples very obviously entwined in eachothers eyes. 

She plopped down on the grass to soak up the sun. Her phone buzzed. Finally. 

“Catching up on last week's homework w Ian” Jess had replied. Emmi rolled her eyes and laid back on the grass, pulling her sunglasses over her eyes and sighing. 

Saturdays were usually packed full of fun whether it was facemasks, TV and snacks or hanging out with the entire group in one of their various haunts but everyone seemed to be busy. Ryan and Alex were closing the retail store so she was one her own until six. -Unless, of course, she wanted to see what the guys were up to. But hanging out with the guys- which she usually found effortless and just as fun- usually meant dealing with Emery. 

Emery was probably an okay person for everyone else in the group but he was filled with opinions and they all just happened to be completely wrong. She hanging with the guys wasn’t her favorite option at the moment. 

She felt the sun soaking into her skin and, although she knew it might come to bite her later in the form of a mild sunburn, she loved the warmth and summer-nostalgia it was filling her with at the moment. 

“Hey!” She heard. A few things happened in quick succession. A small, zippy shadow flashed over her eyelids and then a big shadow loomed there. She opened her eyes to see Paul standing over her, holding a frisbee. He tossed it back to the group that had lost control of it. 

“It was almost a lethal assasination.” He smirked and sat next to her. “I was coming to say hi anyways.”

“Thanks for that.” Emmi sat up and rubbed grass off of her hands. “I think the worst part would have been the yell of surprise and everyone looking over expecting to see murder and instead see a girl who was viciously attacked by a feather-weight peice of plastic.” 

“Yea.” Paul squinted up at the sun. “You’d probably have to change your name.” 

“What are you up to?” Emmi asked, glad for the company from Paul. He was usually so withdrawn in the group.

“I just got done with work.” He leaned back on his elbows. 

“Ah… Jake and Emery there?” 

“No.” He shrugged and looked at her. “Jake’s starting on his semester final for that film class-”

“-Already? He has it written?” 

“I guess so.” Paul pulled some blades of grass and laid them on his stomach. “Have you?” 

“I started writing it but… I’m stuck.” 

“You should ask him about it. He’s a machine when it comes to ideas. I’m sure he’d help you out.” 

“What classes are you taking?” Emmi found herself asking. Now that he was here and making conversation she wanted to get to know him better. 

“I’m leaving the fun and creative classes to the rest of you.” He smirked. “Just a STEM guy over here.” 

Emmi shrugged. “That’s not so bad.” She thought for a moment. “I like science. A lot. I’m really good at it, too. Sometimes I think it’d just be easier to go that route and not sink so much into media.” 

“Nah.” Paul sat up straighter and looked at her. “You’re funny. You have good things to say.” He stood up. “You should definitely be making things.” He looked around before stretching. “Any grass on me?” 

“Not any more.” She replied watching him swat his jeans off quickly. 

“Well see ya’ later, Em.” 

“See ya.” She watched him walk away, feeling her guts turn.

She didn’t like like Paul. He was a really nice guy. She knew she was funny. -Or at least she thought she was funny. It was just nice to hear someone else say it out loud. To affirm it. She felt fucking funny. 

Someone else felt it too. 

“What’s up!” Alex burst into the room, causing Emmi to jump. She wasn;t doing anything besides arranging the order of a new playlist she was making for Ryan and running through some film finals ideas but she had been startled regardless. 

Alex was laughing.

“Shut up.” Emmi threw a sock at her. 

“Looking at porn or something?” 

“Shut up.” Emmi threw the twin sock this time. 

“What did you end up doin all day?” Alex had shut the door and was shedding her work shirt and pants in favor of a comfy band shirt and distressed skinny jeans. 

“Pining after you.” Emmi turned around to face her. “What else.” 

“I’d expect nothing less.” Alex flopped on the bed and did toe touches with her legs in the air. 

“I actually hung out with Paul a little bit in the courtyard.”

“Paul?” Alex looked at her and furrowed her brows. “Weird.” 

“Not really.” 

“What did you guys even talk about?” 

“Some school stuff.” Emmi grabbed one of the socks with her toes. “He said I was funny.” 

“Well he’s brown nosing then.” Alex smirked. “You’re a snore.” 

“You wish.” Emmi yawned and stood to stretch. “I was thinking of tracking down Jake and Emery, actually. I want to see what they’re up to for their final projects.” 

“Final projects?” Alex screwed up her face in disbelief. “We haven’t even gotten to homecoming.” 

“I know.” Emmi grabbed her water bottle. “And they’ve already started on it. I can’t imagine following them up now with something I start in a month or two.”

“Can I come with?” Alex was already tying her converse. “Just for fun?”

Emmi knew Alex liked Jake. She could pretend they were just friends until she was blue in the face from her adamant lies but Emmi could spot a shitty liar when she saw one. They spend mornings bent over coffee and notebooks laughing over inside jokes on most days. For two people who only shared a few classes they found the dumbest reasons to “study” together. 

And of course, it was only studying. Alex would repeat the dumbest things they did together- Emmi wasn’t jealous. She liked that her friend was excited about somebody. It was cute. But she also would say that Jake said the “funniest” thing. It was never really that funny. Jake was a pretty funny guy. But not that funny. 

You’d definitely have to have a crush on someone to find them that funny. 

So Emmi walked beside Alex as she talked, animatedly, about what little details Jake had dropped about his project. She watched the sunset over the campus as they headed in the vague direction of the fields by the boys dorms. Clusters of students were slowly heading in doors, away from the late autumn chill in the air. 

“I think I see them.” Alex pointed towards a group of a few people huddled around a bunch of equipment. Emmi squinted to make out the people but once she saw someone pulling long black hair into a low ponytail she knew it was them. Emery was never subtle about his hair. Every adjustment really needed to be noticed. 

They were with two girls Emmi didn’t recognize and Paul had since joined them. 

“Hey guys!” Emmi waved. Paul waved them over while Jake and Emery stayed in discussion over something. “I just wanted to see what you guys were up to for your final project.” She smiled. 

“Hey.” Emery said, putting his camera back in his bag. “How’d you know we were shooting today?” 

“I mean, Paul told me.” Emmi shrugged. “It's not, like… top secret or anything.” 

“Well thanks Paul.” Emery rolled his eyes. “Now anyone can just plagiarize.”

“Okay.” Emmi furrowed her eyebrows and held her hands up, “As if I couldn’t come up with something far better than-”

“-Guys.” Jake stepped in and tried to calm them. “Emery, dude, everything’s fine. It’s just a project.” 

“I didn;t realize you would get upset.” Paul shrugged. 

“I’m not upset it’s just annoying.” Emery pulled his bag over his shoulder. 

“I think we’re going to get going if you don’t need us anymore.” The mousy brunette girl said while she and her friend back away from the group. 

“Thanks guys.” Jake waved at them. “See you on Thursday?” 

“Sure.” They smiled at him before walking out of earshot. 

“We just wanted to see what you guys were up to.” Alex looked embarrassed. “We didn;t realize it was a big thing.” 

“It’s not.” Jake assured them. “I swear.” He eyed Emery. 

“I actually just wanted to talk to Jake about ideas.” Emmi glared at Emery. “Paul said you’re a machine.” 

“Sure.” Jake shrugged and pulled his backpack off of the ground and onto his shoulders. “But I’m going to need dinner first.”

“So like… a break up scenario?” Jake had hot sauce all over the corners of his mouth and Emmi could see Alex try not to laugh at him as she and Paul discussed meat alternatives. 

“Yea, except the breakup is the inciting event. I want something where a relationship isn’t really the main objective.” 

“Sounds corny.” Emery finished chewing a wing. 

“You sound fucking corny.” Emmi shot back. “And you chew with your mouth open.” 

“Guys-” JAke laughed. “Why?” He looked at Emery. “Just, like… why is it necessary?” 

“I’m just saying.” Emery pushed his plate of bones away. “Every single thing a woman writes essentially has to do with love.”

“I’m sorry?” Emmi pushed her half empty plate away and leaned over the table, arms crossed. “In what way?” 

“Chick flicks.” He drank his soda. 

“Okay first of all- and I can;t wait to tell you exactly why you’re absolutely wrong- love is one of the most important themes in storytelling- ever.” Emmi sat up straight and the table’s focus shifted onto her. “Wanda was written by a woman- not about love. About Existentialism. Uhm, Silkwood. Oh and we can talk forever about female directors-”

“Okay, okay. If you’re going to name films I’ve never heard of I can’t argue back.” Emery argued. 

“It’s not my fault you’re ignorant.” 

“I’m not ignorant.”

“Well you’re in a film class and you can’t even fathom women writing stories not revolving exclusively around fairy tale endings.” 

“I could watch this all night.” Jake sat back, “But I want to hear more about Emmi’s actual ideas.” 

“Thank you.” Emmi turned back to Jake and suddenly realized Paul and Alex had stopped talking to watch her. Paul had an amused look on his face. He watched Emery fidget in his seat. 

“Alice Guy-Blache.” Paul leaned in and murmured in Emmi’s ear as they all strode towards the dorms. 

“Hm?” Emmi looked at him. 

“Alice Guy-Blache was the first female to ever write, direct and star in her own movie.”

“Is Paul a lowkey film buff?” Emmi pulled back and smirked at him. “‘I’m just a STEM guy.” 

“I can enjoy movies.” He smiled. “I cannot produce anything creative. I’m just very unblessed.”

“Well well well.” The smirk stayed put on her face. “Who knew.” She clicked her tongue and shook her head. “I mean, you saw how well my idea went over.”

“I really liked it.” He shrugged as they lagged back from the group. She watched Emery skulk beside Jake and Alex who were both imitating various zoo animals. 

“What? The half-baked premise?” 

“I like the idea of the story starting off at the protagonist's lowest point. I feel like that;s relatable.” 

“Paul Martinez, say more. Where were you during this meeting of the minds? Apparently Jake is not the idea machine.” 

“Well I don’t have a lot to go off of. I just liked where you were headed. Like, this break up. What kind of a relationship is this person coming out of?” 

“Oh, the worst.” She smiled and looked at the ground as they walked forward. “So the guy was clingy and needy and blaked all of his problems on her. He also didn’t have a lot of friends but refused to let the girl have a life of her own because he was deeply unhappy and needed her to also feel that way- even if he didn’t know it.” 

“Wow.” Paul let out a breath. “Sounds like a dick.” 

“Such a dick.” Emmi rubbed her shoulders as they started to chill. “All very hypothetical, of course.” She rolled her eyes and then smiled at him. “Not taken, at all, from any real life experience.” 

“Oh that’s a relief.” He smiled. “I would hate to find out someone as badass as you dated someone that horrible.” 

“Well that was… fun.” Alex kicked her shoes off beside the door and shimmied out of her jeans before crawling into bed and under the sheets. Emmi slipped into shorts and a sleep shirt before climbing up into her own bed. 

“It was.” She smiled to herself. 

“Wait.” Alex sat up in bed. “Are you being serious? You were fighting the whole time.” 

“It wasn’t the worst.” 

“Are you experiencing memory loss?” Alex started, concerned. 

“Emery sucks.” Emmi shrugged, reaching over and flipping the main light switch, throwing them into darkness as she snuggled down into her comforter. “But everything else was pretty nice.”


	5. Sweetener

“I don’t actually think he hates her.” Jake smiled and dangled a fruit string into his mouth as he leaned on the shelf that Alex was stocking. “I have a theory.” 

“And it is?” She pushed him over with her shoulder as she stocked the shelf where he had stood before. 

“I think he is secretly madly and deeply in love with her.” He chewed, triumphantly. 

“Okay.” 

“Well that’s an underwhelming response.”

“Because even if it was half-true, which it isn’t, it would be the worst love story ever. She hated him, for sure.” 

“I don’t know.” Jake opened another package of fruit strings. “I think any strong feeling for a person is a performance of interest.”

“What?” Alex scoffed. “That sounds like a grand illusion on your part.” 

“Well think of it this way,” He pulled his hoodie over his head, “If you hate someone you dedicate so much energy into that feeling. And you do that over and over to yourself, especially when you see them regularly. And they’re in your head because they’re like an earworm. So even if you don’t like them you have these strong emotions for them. And sooner or later your heart can’t really tell the difference.” 

“Gross.” Alex nudged him down further to stock more of the shelf. “That’s not at all how it works and that’s exactly why guys think ‘no’ means ‘maybe’.” 

“Hey,” Ryan popped into the aisle, “If you’re going to hang out here and eat our snacks please make yourself useful and do something.” She handed Jake a box full of cartons of fruit strings. “And quit eating them.” She grabbed the opened package out of his hand. 

Jake looked at Alex quizzically and swallowed the last bit of fruit string. 

“She’s been scary since they made her manager.” Alex whispered. 

“Okay but she hangs out a lot more now.” Jake said as he and Alex walked to the coffee cart. 

“Why.” Alex hung her head back and groaned. “Why do you care so much?” 

“I don’t know. I just spend so much time with him, y’know? So I observe all of this stuff.” 

“Okay, cool, observe. Stop talking about it though.” She opened up her purse and grabbed two dollars. “Medium black coffee, please.” 

“Same.” Jake pushed two crumpled dollar bills towards the afternoon barista. “Fine. I’ll stop talking about it.” He sighed. “I just think that if she-”

“Jacob.” Alex slapped a hand to her forehead. “Jacob, are you kidding me.”

“What?”

“I think you’re obsessed.” Alex pulled a notebook out of her backpack and nodded towards Jake’s backpack. He pulled out his french textbook. 

“Okay.” He leaned in and looked to both sides, suspiciously. He waved her in closer to him. She rolled her eyes and bent towards him. “So Homecoming is in a few days.”

“Mhm.” 

“Emery keeps repeatedly asking if we’re going in our friend group.”

“Okay.”

“Like over and over. It’s weird.”

“K. The point?”

“He’s adamant that it’s going to be dumb but that we should all go together.” 

“Jake. The point.” 

“I think he wants to go with Emmi.”

Alex sat straight up and leaned over her notebook, beginning to highlight the important points of yesterday's lecture. 

“No reaction?” 

“It’s the dumbest thing I've ever heard.”

“Fine.” He slumped in his chair. “Fine.”

“Friday we’re all dress shopping right?” Ryan sat on the floor of Alex and Emmi’s dorm room as they all poured over their own homework. 

“So far that’s the plan.” Alex mumbled conjugating french verbs. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be studying with Jake, anyway?” Emmi asked from her desk. 

“He’s annoying me.” She grunted, missing the exchanged glance from Emmi to Ryan. 

“Is Stella still driving us?” Emmi asked Ryan. 

“Yeah.” 

“Isn’t that weird?” Alex looked up. “Like… shouldn’t you guys buy your dresses separately and then have the reveal on the night of?” 

“Oh shit, you’re right.” Ryan snapped her notebook closed. “Let me go get one of our other friends with a license and car to drive us real quick, instead.” 

“Very funny.” Alex sneered. 

“Besides, we don’t care. This is my first girlfriend. I’m pretty sure the fact that I’m dating the hottest person I;ve ever seen means that anything we do is correct.” 

“Fine.” 

“Do you know what color Jake’s suit is going to be?” Ryan asked her. 

“No. Why would I?”

Ryan and Emmi looked at each other and laughed. 

“You guys can shut up if you’re gonna’ be weird.” Alex got up from the bed and shoved her study material in her backpack. She grabbed her set of keys and headed towards the courtyard to the sound of Ryan and Emmi apologizing through giggles. 

She stared at her homework with an angry defiance. Normally she wouldn’t feel so sensitive but everyone was acting so weird. Ryan wasn’t hanging around as much now that she was dating Stella, and when they did see each other Ryan was either managing her or barely talking as she studied in their room. 

Emmi was hanging around a lot more with Jake, Paul and Emery which, in theory, should have made it a lot easier for Alex to convene with her buds but Emery and Emmi always bickered about something and lately Jake just kept bringing it up. 

She traced one of the equations from her math homework over and over while she thought about Jake asking question after question about Emmi. They had classes together every year so they knew each other before all of this but maybe the whole Emmi/Emery thing really bugged him because he liked her. 

That would make sense. That would be normal. 

That would be totally fine. 

The tip of her pencil broke as she circled the equation for the fiftieth time. 

“Jesus christ.” She sighed and pulled her hood over her head and let her forehead fall onto the table. 

“Algebra really shouldn;t be that hard.” A dry voice said as Emery sat down at the table with her, pulling his own homework out. 

“Great.” She grunted. “Hi.” 

“Wow.” He said, blankly, “This isn’t the usual sunny disposition I’m subjected to.” 

“Emery I am having the most frustrating day.”

“Let’s compare notes.” 

“Everyone is acting weird and I’m feeling highly sensitive to feedback so please don’t tell me I’m overreacting.” 

“You’re not.”

“Thank you.”

“Every time a dance rolls around the entire campus gets stupid. Apparently hormones make everyone forget how to act human.” 

“I, for once, completely agree with you.” 

“I’m usually pretty correct.” She looked up to see Emery smirk while he scribbled notes down. 

“Has Jake been weird to you?” 

“I mean his way of living is usually pretty concerning.” Emery set his pen down and looked at her. “But yea, this week he’s been obnoxious.”

“Good. At least it’s not just me.” Alex let out a breath of relief. 

“No.” Emery leaned over and grabbed Alex;s bag of pretzels. “My hourly rate for therapy.”

“God, I hope you never become a therapist.” Alex laughed and went back to her Algebra homework. “You don’t have a filter.” She tapped her pencil on her mouth.

“Hey- just because you keep bad company doesn’t mean I’m wrong.” He munched, happily, on her snack. 

“Emmi is wonderful company. You just talk too much and too often for her liking.” Alex watched him as he snacked away, pulling his hair behind his ear and shrugging nonchalantly. 

“The feeling is mutual.” He smirked and shimmied his shoulders. 

“Someone’s sassy today.” She smiled and held her hand out for a pretzel. 

“Mm mm.” He shook his head. “Mine now.” 

“C’mon, Defoe. Pass a pretz.” 

“You’re lucky I’m in a giving mood.”

“Where did you go?” Emmi was eating a cup of Ramen noodles at her desk writing a script for her project when Alex walked in the room. 

“I was actually hanging with Emery in the courtyard.” She slung down her bag and kicked off her shoes. “Where’s Ryan?” 

“Stella O’Clock.” Emmi grumbled. “How annoying was he today?” 

“I wish I was kidding but he’s actually really funny.” 

“Don’t play around like that.” Emmi gave her a stern look. 

“I’m serious!” Alex pulled off her jeans and shirt and put on comfy clothes for the night. “When he’s alone he’s really funny and easy to talk to.” 

Emmi stared at her, blankly, before turning around and continuing to brainstorm. 

“Do you think you guys like each other?” Alex asked, quietly, before slipping into bed. Emmi turned away from the screen with narrowed eyes. 

“Are you bantering me?” She put on a british accent. 

“Emmi I’m serious.” 

“Absolutely never.” 

“Jake keeps bringing it up.”

“Jake’s is socially inept from picking up cues. It’s widely known.” 

“Why would he be so obsessed with it, then?” 

“Because he’s probably curious about how to tell if a girl likes him. Because he’s dumb. And he’s looking at all of the totally wrong signs.” 

“I guess.” Alex sighed and stared up at the ceiling.


	6. Watermelon Sugar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> prom beach

“Oh my god I fucked it up. I fucked it up. Help. Help. Help. OH MY GOD HELP ME.” Ryan was waving her hand in front of her face. 

“I can’t see anything- STOP MOVING!” Emmi yelled as she tried to lean in to see what Ryan was freaking out over. 

“MY EYELINER!” She screamed back. 

“It’s fine!” Emmi threw her hands down. “I can’t tell anything.” 

“One’s longer than the other.” Ryan cried out. 

“You are being so dramatic.” Emmi went back to applying eyeshadow in the main shower room. “Alex tell me if you can even see a difference.” 

“I…” Alex leaned in and squinted. “No- Ryan. You can’t tell anything is wrong.” 

“Well I can.” Ryan was now almost fully smushed against the mirror, staring at her handiwork. 

“Okay, well, if you want to wipe everything off and start over you can meet us at the dance.” Emmi folded her arms and stood back. She wiped a little bit of red lipstick off from under her lip and blotted her lips. 

“We really should go get into our dresses.” Alex looked at the clock above the shower room door. 

“Do I really look fine?” Ryan asked them one more time. 

“Yes!” She both said in unison, exasperated. 

“I can’t believe we’re the same sign.” Alex shook her head. “Cancers everywhere are ashamed.”

“You’re the weird one.” Ryan replied, one last check in the mirror. “I am the crab, incarnate.” 

“Fine, whatever, grab your shoes, Crab. Let’s go.”

Ryan walked out of the room, giving one more twirl in her long, shimmery pastel pink gown and freshly dyed lavender hair. She was off to pick up Stella. Emmi slipped her high heels on and smoothed her deep crimson dress, tugging at it a bit to adjust the cleavage. 

Alex pulled down her dusty blue mini dress that reminded Emmi of something a girl in a 60s teen rock’n’roll movie would wear. She pulled on white go-go boots and Emmi laughed. 

“It’s not at all a bad look but where did you even buy those?” 

“Thrift shop.” She beamed in return and opened the door. “If I get soy sauce on this I’ll die.”

“Hey guys!” Jake waved as if Emmi and Alex could possibly miss his pastel pink tuxedo. 

“Did you guys plan this?” Emmi asked Alex, looking from her outfit to Jake’s. She went slightly pink. 

“Not at all.” She laughed and sped up her pace to join him and Paul, who was in a smart looking navy blue suit. Emery was wearing a wine red suit. 

“Well aren’t we a coordinated group.” Jake smiled and threw his arms over both Alex and Emery’s shoulders. 

“You two almost match.” Paul looked from Emmi to Emery, a small smile playing on his lips. 

“I would say good taste but,” Emmi scrunched up her nose at Emery who, for once, stayed quiet. She stopped to look at Paul again while everyone headed toward the sushi place for dinner. 

“You look nice.” He smiled, looking forward, hands in his pocket.

*******************************************************************

Melodic tones filled the auditorium as soon as the group entered. The lights were a low, steady, purple hue and there was a fog machine somewhere doing a good job of covering the entirety of both the auditorium and the gymnasium. 

Inside the gym balloons floated daintily towards the ceiling and tulle and streamers adorned the ceilings and walls. Paul watched the girls stare at each other in anticipation before Alex grabbed Emmi’s shoulders and shook them. Emmi blushed and laughed saying “Okay, okay! I’m excited!”

He turned to see Jake, one arm still around Emery’s shoulder, laughing at Alex’s burst of energy while Emery looked uncomfortable, staring from one end of the large room to the other, taking in all of their peers, dancing, laughing, talking and drinking refreshments. 

“Want to get to soda?” Jake asked the group. 

“I wanna go in there.” Alex stared at the gym, “I want to go dance, like, yesterday.”

“I’ll go with her.” Emmi followed her enthusiastic friend. 

Paul, Jake and Emery stood around talking about the music choice- a pretty good mix of oldies as well as new indie artists. They watched their classmates walk by, enjoying the way everyone went all out in their own ways. 

“What are you doing then, tonight?” Jake elbowed Emery with a sly smile on his face. 

“What? Besides standing around?” 

“Are you gonna’ dance with anyone?” 

“Why do you have that weird ass look on your face.” Emery glared at his friend.

“You’re always so surly about girls. You do know you can like people, right? It’s not a sickness.” Jake laughed. 

“Cool, what a good talk. Weirdo.” 

“What?” Jake watched his friend for signs of annoyance or secrecy. “Are you going to make a move on anyone, Paul?” 

“I don’t think anyone’s made a move since a 70’s porno, Jake.” Paul laughed, embarrassed. “Why are you acting like a dad?” 

“There’s overwhelming amounts of rom-com-ery in the making and I’m just wondering if my two favorite people are going to make use of it.” Jake kissed the tops of their heads while they both pulled away, Emery scowling and Paul laughing. 

“Jake- are you asking because you’re plotting something?” 

“Why would I plot anything?” JAke asked. 

Paul stared at Emery and then back at Jake. “Are you kidding?” 

“What?”

“Is he serious?” Paul asked Emery. 

“I think so.” Emery patted Jake’s back before wandering off towards the gym. 

When Paul and Jake finally spotted Emmi’s red hair in the glimmering disco light they noticed Ryan and Stella had joined them, and Emery as well. 

“Finally!” Alex pulled both of them towards the group. She was already slightly sweaty from dancing but she was beaming in the mood lighting. 

“They played two of my favorite songs already. I’m probably going to need a gallon of water by the time I leave tonight.” Emmi was dancing, rythmically while Alex bobbed up and down and moved her hands in enthusiastic- yet a little spastic, manner. 

“Which two?” Emery said, breathing heavily. 

“Does it matter? You’re going to argue they suck anyway.” 

“Gorillaz?” He asked.

“Yep.” She said indignantly. 

“Same.” He smirked and continued to dance. She had inhaled, sharply, to retort and then stopped short. 

“Nice.” She smiled and went back to dancing. 

*********************************************

“I really like your outfit.” Jake’s voice barely carried over the loud base of early 2000s dance music. Alex was catching her breath on the bleachers, watching her friends shake, shimmy and get low in the ethereal lighting. 

“Thanks.” She looked up at him and smiled. Her stomach fluttered in a way she wasn’t used to. “Yours too.” 

“Everyone is really getting weird.” He smiled and wiped his palms on his pant legs as he sat down beside her. “I didn’t know Emery could move.” 

“I didn’t know Emery had fun.” She winked at him. “But alas.” 

“Alas.”

*****************************************

The music faded into a slow-pulse intimate dance number and Emmi stopped dancing, turning from body to body to see where Alex was so they could wander off and hydrate together. Ryan pulled Stella in, close, in a way that almost made Emmi blush. She had no idea Ryan had such confidence hidden in those depths. 

“Oh-” She yelped, turning as she bumped into a body. She turned into Paul who had been standing behind her. “Sorry.” 

“Wanna’ dance?” He asked, hands in pockets. 

“What?”

“Want to dance.” He gestured to everyone around them, pairing off into couples. 

“Yea, sorry, yes. I do.” She took his outstretched hand and he pulled her towards him. She had never had an official slow dance at a function. It always looked kind of awkward from an outsider's perspective, but since she was here and doing the damn thing she liked Paul’s warm hands on her waist. She was very over with the way her arms draped over his shoulders and how he looked down at her very tenderly. It was almost embarrassing to be this intimate in public. 

Nothing was happening. Nothing at all. But she felt her heart soften and her pulse quicken a little bit. 

“Are you having fun?” He smiled. 

“Yea, of course. My favorite scenario is always the one in which I’m dancing for hours on end with my favorite people.” 

“I hope I’m included in that.” He gently pulled her in a bit closer to him and she felt her entire body warm up. 

What had happened that suddenly Timid Paul was the picture of confidence? Did somebody pump pheromones through the air ducts? 

Paul was tall and lean with a face that was handsome but very much in an understated way. His deep brown eyes always seemed to be thinking. But he was definitely withdrawn in a group. Yet, every time they had a moment on their own, he outed himself as someone who was not a kid. He was secretly sure of himself. 

And that made her nervous as hell. She found herself letting out a small laugh and shifting her eyes elsewhere to keep from breaking into a fit of nervous laughter. 

******************************

‘Oh my god’ Was Jake’s first thought as the music changed and he saw the tonal shift in the room. He spotted his friends, Ryan and Stella starting to sway. Emery walked towards the auditorium, and then Paul pulled Emmi towards him. He had talked all this shit about thinking Emery was into Emmi when this entire time it was Paul? 

God he was dumb sometimes. But it wasn’t like Paul was ever overt with his feelings. He noticed Alex shift beside him and smiled at her. He opened his mouth to say something and then stopped. 

He might’ve asked her to dance if he had been a second earlier but he watched her eyes, on him and hopeful, shift to the left as someone spoke, with a soft voice, “Hey, Jake. Will you dance with me?” 

He turned to see a Junior named Kayla, standing beside them, looking from Alex to Jake, nervously and holding a fistful of her dress in her hand. 

“Uh,” He looked at Alex and then back at Kayla. He shrugged. “Sure.” He got up and took her hand, turning back to Alex and shrugging, hoping to convey a smile to her.

She shrugged back, emotionlessly, and stood from her spot, walking towards the auditorium doors. 

******************************

Dances are not a place to have a concealed crush. If you went out to a club or something with the hope of dancing with a specific person- if that person doesn’t show or if they are swept off by someone else, then you’re left with this ugly pit of jealousy and frustration. 

When you go to clubs, and dances, you go with the hope of just having a good time with your friends. That’s it. 

So it was annoying to Alex, actually infuriating to her, that she should feel that sinking disappointment.

At her old school, every year, she spent the last day of school waiting for her secret crush to profess his love. And not only that, but she would have gushed to her friends about how cute he was and all the things she liked about him and word always got out. So it’s not like he didn’t know. Which made it all the more embarrassing when every year she started her summer vacation knowing, with defiant certainty, that she was not the girl that guys had crushes on. 

Girls like Emmi, tough-talking but soft insides, those girls struggled but they always caught the eye of someone interesting. Girls like Ryan, geeky and awkward but sweet and caring, always found their equal in someone who is devoted and kind. 

Sure, if she wanted to she knew the way she could dress to lure in somebody- anybody, really. She could wear shorter shorts and tighter shirts. She could stop hanging around the courtyard in hoodies and sneakers. 

Last year she joined the drama club with her old best friend just to be near Riley Berk. The tall, dark hilarious dreamboat who always took supporting roles yet somehow stayed the star. She had had a major crush on him for two years and at teh cast party she watched her best friend go into the basement closet of the play leads’ house and smoke weed and end up sucking face. 

And the guys she had ever gotten close to in a romantic way were all guys she deemed “warm-ups”. She was figuring out how guys worked, she told herself. She needed to practice if she was ever going to date anyone. 

They always ended up liking her more than she had ever liked them and they always become gross and mushy. What a dilemma.

So by now Alex had given up on crushes. She came to PNC with the strict mindset of only having friends. She wanted this; to be the supportive best friend. She felt a pang of guilt and greediness for feeling a wave of self-pity over Jake dancing with somebody. 

She plopped herself down on the table outside of the auditorium doors. She lay back to watch the stars peek through traveling night sky clouds. She inhaled and immediately twisted her face. She smelled smoke and skunk. She propped herself on her elbows and looked around. She saw a shadow and heard two different laughs. 

“Hey.” She called out, sitting up. 

“Shit.” She heard and the scuffle of feet followed. Out of a groove in the building came Emery and a redheaded boy. “Oh. Alex.” Emery relaxed. “It’s cool, James. See ya’ inside.” He walked over to where she sat and sat down beside her, both of them leaning back on their elbows at the same time. 

“I didn’t know you were a stoner.” She teased. 

“Stoner is really a generous term.” He rolled his eyes. “Why are you out here in the stoners’ lounge.” 

“Avoiding the slow dance.” 

“I would’ve thought you’d be swooning in there right now.” He smiled up at the stars. 

“Yea, well. People suck sometimes.” 

“Whoa- Alex is really leaving no room for my sass tonight. She’s stealing the show.” 

“I figure if I can be moody around anyone, it would be the kind of Mood.” 

“Is that how I’m known?” He laid back, hands under his head. “The kind of mood?” 

“Sulk Master.” 

“Impressive.” He shrugged. “At least that leaves room for mystery.” 

“Lucky you.” She slid back and joined him, staring up at the sky. 

“So who sucks?” 

“What?”

“You’re not dancing because somebody sucks.” 

“Everyone in general.” She sighed. 

“Here’s the thing, Malsbruch. You’re shit at hiding emotions.”

“Oh shut up.” 

“Now you sound like Emmi.”

She sat up on her elbows and looked at him, defiantly. “I sound like me.”

“Okay, sure. You but with “Avoiding The Question” turned up high.” 

“Not any one person in particular.” 

“So you’re telling me,” He sat fully up. “That we were having the best time in there, and I look up to see you and Jake sitting together when the slow dance comes on, and now you’re out here doing your best hard girl impression for no one in particular?” 

“Yep.” 

“You’re as impossible as your friends.” 

“Good.” They sat in silence together watching the clouds roll by. 

*********************************

The song ended and Emmi pulled her head from Paul’s chest. She felt weirdly naked. You could kiss someone during a party or on your own and not feel this weird. But she felt something shift between herself and Paul when he asked her to dance and now she didn’t want to make the wrong move or say the wrong thing. 

“Want to go outside?” He asked. She agreed immediately. 

Alex and Emery passed by them in the auditorium. Alex looked from Paul to Emmi with a question in her eyebrows but her eyes, excited and encouraging. Emmi kept her face steady forward to keep from blushing. Emery smirked at her as they passed. 

“Here.” Paul sat at one of the tables, his face aglow with the second hand light of the auditorium, peeping through the glass windows. They could see kids milling about inside and she laughed as a kid whose name she hadn’t learned tripped trying to approach an upper class girl. 

“So…” She turned to him and clapped her hands together. This was awkward. She started pointing out things she found funny in the way people danced. She felt herself rambling. She wished she could stop it at any point but her tongue was betraying her. She found her mind volleying from dancing which comedians she found funniest to what songs she was currently listening to. She turned to look at Paul who was just smiling and taking her in. 

“And that’s it?” 

“What?” 

“You were listing off your hipster playlist. It can’t only be four songs long.”

“Oh.” She said, blankly. “Sometimes I just talk, I don’t know…”

“I have never seen you act nervous.” He laughed. 

“I’m not nervous.” She tried to say, blankly. He just looked at her. “Fine I’m nervous.” 

His face subtly changed and she felt her insides light up with fire and excitement. He leaned closer to her and put a hand on the side of her neck adn his thumb on her jawline. 

He pulled her in towards him and the fire within her bloomed. 

*****************************

“Okay my turn, then.” Alex ripped the wad of crumpled up paper from Emery’s hand. They were laughing, wildly, as she stood up, gave herself a sports-announcer intro, puffed up her chest, and took a shot. The wad of paper missed the make-shift hoop in the auditorium and instead bounced off of George Milgram’s head. 

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry!” Alex burst out laughing. Emery stifled his laughter as he went to pick up the makeshift basketball. 

“Hey guys.” Jake approached from behind, startling Alex. 

“Hey.” She said, turning back around and motioning for Emery to throw her the basketball. He did. 

“Can I throw one?” Jake asked.

“I don’t know, man. You missed the tryouts.” Emery laughed. 

“I didn’t realize this was such a serious league of paper basketball.” Jake retorted. 

“We have our own mascot, so…” Alex took a stance, squared up and shot the basketball. She missed. 

“Seems legit.” JAke tried to laugh but the air felt awkward and icy. 

“It’s okay. You can take over my spot.” Emery said, to Alex’s wide-eyed look of betrayal. 

“Is that alright?” Jake asked, once Emery was out of earshot. 

“Why wouldn’t it be, weirdo.” Alex shrugged it off. 

“I don’t know. You seem mad.” 

“I don’t seem mad.” She tried to look play-offended but it felt forced and weird. 

“You seem mad.” Jake stood by his statement.

“You’re the one acting weird.”

“How am I acting weird?” He scoffed. 

“You just are. Weirdo.” 

“If you call me weird one more time-”

“Quit acting weird.” 

“Alex. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!” She threw him the paper ball and walked off towards the gymnasium. 

Alex and Emmi arrived at their room at midnight. Like fucking Cinderella. Except Emmi was quietly beaming to herself and Alex was steaming. They kicked off their outfits, shoes and any accessories. They both slipped into their sleepwear, and both flopped into their beds. 

“So he like… fully kissed you.” 

“Yea.” Emmi said, not trying to hide her smile. 

“Like… like… like a man kiss.” 

“I literally could not explain it any other way.” 

“Did you like him before this?” 

“Yeah. Actually. I did.” 

“What a fucking twist.” 

“What a twist.”


	7. The Cranberries-  I Will Always

“Oh, hold on.” Jake checked his phone quickly before tapping his keypad and putting it away. Alex clenched her jaw before looking at him, deadpan. 

“Ya’ good?” 

“Yeah, it was just Kayla.” He laughed, nervously. 

“Cool. Did you need to head off again or would you like a passing grade?” 

“Back to conjugated verbs, it is.” He smiled. 

Everywhere Alex looked it was couples. Homecoming was the high school equivalent of a mass shooting via cupid’s bow. 

It was repulsive. 

It had taken Jake two weeks post-homecoming to become “official” with Kayla. This meant he missed out on Friday night Movie Nights with the squad. They had tried it. They had given it their best shot with Kayla. 

But she committed the holy grail of Movie crimes. She was a movie talker. 

The first two weeks of them dating the Friday night movies were ruined by Kayla asking, five minutes into the movie “What’s this movie about? Who’s that? Is that the main character?” 

It really united Emery and Emmy for once. They both sighed deeply everytime she opened her mouth to reload with a new question. 

She probably wasn’t that bad but Alex was pitted to hate her from the get go and Emmy just wasn’t a big fan of her jokes. Ryan claimed she wasn’t so bad but… Ryan had a tendency to give people a chance despite witnessing their worst faults. 

Paul and Emmy snuck off during the week to make out and do whatever the fuck those two even did together. Every night that Emmy wasn’t in their dorm room she would waltz in at 11pm with cherry-red lips that were chapped from over-use and a dumb smirk on her face. 

Then there was Ryan and Stella. 

Everyone had seen that coming. 

“That’s a lesbian thing. They basically move in together after 24 hours of dating.” Emmy’s accent was accentuated by the sucker in her mouth as she sat between Paul and Emery, watching a Degrassi rerun while Alex painted her toenails on the floor. 

“No way.” Alex countered. 

“Hand to god, it’s true.” Emmy replied, soberly. “We’ve lost her. We won’t see her without her extra appendage for at least another two years.”

“Why two years?” Emery did his best to act like his interest wasn’t piqued but his attention was fully on her now. 

“I don’t know.” She shrugged, popping her sucker out of her cheek. “My sisters’ got a lot of gay friends and it’s always like two years in and tehy start needing space.” 

“Isn’t that every relationship?” Emery asked. 

“Nah.” Emmy’s matter-of-fact tone distilling wisdom in her voice. “Straight people get sick of eachother a lot quicker.” 

Paul started laughing. 

“So how long until you guys drop each other, then?” Emery asked her. 

Crickets. 

“Does it bug you?” Emmy asked when Alex got back to the room that night. 

“Yeah.” Alex buried her face in her pillows. She was over pretending to be cool or okay or unbothered. 

“You should distract yourself.” Ryan suggested from her position on the floor, across from Stella, as they played clue. 

“I would love that.” Alex turned to face them. 

“I’m sure I could set you up with someone.” Stella said, sweetly. 

“I don’t know…” Alex sighed. “I mainly just feel stupid for thinking we kind of had a thing. I’m just embarrassed because everyone keeps asking how I feel about it like I have a say.” 

“I think you’re allowed to have a say.” Stella said, “I see you guys’ together. There’s definitely something there.” 

“I don’t think that’s how it works.” Alex played with the shag rug and held back her emotion. 

“No, it’s definitely how it works.” Stella’s voice hardened. 

“Stell-”

“No, it’s annoying.” Stella pushed her Clue board back and looked at Alex. 

Alex felt a swell inside towards Stella. If she was being honest, she felt like Stella sometimes hung out with them only to make Ryan happy. -Which was sweet, but also she had bigger things to do. She was older than them, and pretty popular. 

So watching her face redden slightly as she spoke, with feeling, made Alex feel so warm towards her in this moment.

“It’s bullshit. Nobody spends that much time with someone without liking them. -Sorry, Ry. But I never asked you to study or hang out because I wanted to only be your friend. I’m glad I can call you a friend- but I had my own angles.” She took a gulp of her sports drink, crossed her legs, and took Alex’s cheeks in her hands. “Guys will always take advantage of a situation. They’ll keep you around because they like you while getting off with a girl that means less to them so they don’t ruin the friendship because they’re cowards and little shits. And your friends will watch you go through this and they’ll hate it. It’s always how it goes.” 

“Jeez, Stella.” Ryan said, attempting to lighten the mood. “Who knew you were so passionate.” 

“I have to watch it all the time.” Stella said, passionately. “It doesn;t get better, my sisters in college go through it. I just think that if a guy isn’t willing to be honest with how he feels, then you deserve to move on.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey.” Paul’s voice came through the locked door to the coffee cart accompanied by his light knock. 

“One sec!” Emmy called out. She locked the cash drawer and stepped out to meet him, locking up for the night. 

“You look cute.” He looked down at her, smiling. His smile was so honest and soft and sweet. 

“Thanks.” She said before he leaned down to kiss her.

“Tomorrow finals start.” Paul was running his hands through her hair while he spoke. “Then we go home for a break.”

“Yep.” Emmy crossed her arms and looked at him, soaking in his face. 

“Want to go to your dorm?”

“Nope.” 

“Emery is in mine.” 

“Okay.” She said, nonchalantly. 

“Is everything alright?” He leaned closer to read her face. 

Stella’s words from the other day trailed through her mind as she watched him try to interpret her breathing. 

“I want to date.” 

“We are.”

“Officially.” 

“We both agreed it makes shit weird.”

“Everyone knows we’re together.”

“Exactly. So why put an official label on it.”

“Because.” She kept her eyes steely. “I don’t want to be a secret.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Paul had had a crush on Emmy for two years. 

Two years.

It wasn’t a huge thing. 

It wasn’t like he yearned for her touch or needed her to breath or anything. 

He remembered her first day at PNC, back in 7th grade. In Junior High PNC had homerooms. She was in his. 

She stood up to introduce herself and her Brooklyn accent was thick. She spoke like she didn’t give a shit whether or not the girls in the front row were judging her. She made a dark joke and the teacher thanked her, uncomfortably, and even though Paul couldn’t remember what the joke was he remembered the way his stomach felt about this new girl who was so grounded in who she was she couldn’t care less whether or not people approved of her. 

“You’re a libra sun, scorpio moon and a Libra rising.” Paul’s older sister told him as he sat home last christmas. “Ew… with a cancer venus. Good luck. Good luck, like, ever being tied down.” 

Paul had heard Emmy, Ryan and Alex discussing astrology multiple times as everyone sat around the Maxwell Hall lounge. It was the only time he wished he had paid more attention to his sisters’ ramblings. 

“That shit is so dumb.” Emery threw a kernel of popcorn at Emmy. 

“Of course you would say that, you have the worst chart of anyone here.” Emmy threw a pretzel back at him. “Fucking Scorpio.” 

Paul couldn’t make up his mind for the life of him. He knew what he wanted but the moment he got it he would agonize over whether he had done the right thing, or if he could have said something better. He would wonder whether or not a better outcome was waiting for him out there. 

“You take thirty minutes picking out a chip to go with your lunch, for god sakes.” Jake set his tray down on the lunch table next to Emery. 

“I know.” Paul groaned. 

“But it’s not like you’re exactly seeing anyone else.” Jake said. 

“I know.” 

“So what’s the catch?” Jake crunched on a pickle. 

“What are we talking about?” Emery asked.

“Emmy wants Paul to go official.”

“Jake.” Paul lowered his voice. “Could you please chill about spreading the news.”

“I just don’t see this ending in a way where you guys don’t date. You’re already dating, you’re just chicken shit.” 

“I’m not like you, dude. I’m not just going to throw myself into any relationship that comes my way.” Paul said in a moment of frustration, before realizing the insult he had just hurled out. “I’m sorry, Jake.” 

“Whatever.” Jake bit into his sandwich. “Kayla’s nice.” 

“And available.” Emery snorted. 

“What are you laughing about?” Jake turned to Emery. “You could date girls but you end up making all of them hate you.” 

“Who says I want to date?” Emery asked in a condescending tone. “I don’t think you should do it, Paul.” 

“Yea, listen to him, Paul. A real winner.” 

“Guys, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” 

“I am a winner. I’m not dating someone to distract myself from my real feelings.” 

“Oh shut up.” Jake spat. 

“You guys, it’s alright. We can just eat-”

“You’re such a dick. Kayla’s nice and pretty and she’s not a distraction.” 

“Yeah? What’s your favorite non-physical thing about her?” 

“I… I like that she laughs at my jokes.” 

“Did you see that?” Emery turned to Paul, pointing at Jake. “He just took an entire girls’ existence and made it about his ego.” 

“How?!” Jake asked, sliding his tray away from him now. 

“What do you like about her, Jake? I really love how funny I am. I love that.”

“That’s not at all what I said. You’re twisting this.” 

“You kind of did.” Paul grimaced, now pushing around his carrots and peas. 

“How has this turned on me? What’s wrong with me dating? I like Kayla!” Jake’s eyes were wide and curious and a little bit hurt. 

“There’s nothing wrong with dating but be honest. You led Alex on a little bit.” Emery argued. 

“Alex?! This is about Alex? What do you know about our friendship? That’s all it is, dude.” 

“Okay, man.” Emery said, grabbing his ¾ empty tray and his backpack. “Sounds good. See ya’ in film history.” 

“Where did that even come from?” Jake turned to Paul, flabbergasted. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alex and Emmy sat on Alex’s bed with a bowl of popcorn between them watching one of the DVDs they had rented from the library earlier that week. Emmy grabbed a few kernels at a time at regular intervals while Alex shoveled fistfuls fewer and far between. 

“I just hate the way they always write love stories in high school movies.” Emmy sighed, opening a sparkling water and handing the extra over to Alex.

“I always feel like they’re written by adults that have completely forgotten how normal humans interact.” Alex laughed at the dialogue on screen. “Like that. Nobody says that.” 

“You’re wrong.” Emmy turned to Alex. “I profess my love in the hallway after biology all the time.” Both girls laughed and turned their attention back to the movie, gobbling up the subpar plots and seemingly rushed dialogue. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ryan took a deep inhale, held for five, and then exhaled. She repeated this five more times before fluttering her eyelids open and taking in her dorm room. 

Codependent. 

Codependency. 

Ryan had been going to therapy since it was mandated after a routine physical ended with her in tears, naked, on the table telling her doctor she didn’t feel like her body was her own. 

It had helped. -Immensely. Ryan’s Anxiety, OCD and depression couldn’t be cured but knowing something exists, and calling it by its name really helps to eliminate fear or feelings of being other or fucked up compared to your normal teenage girl. 

Emmy was the first person Ryan told about her therapy. She was the first girl friend she felt safe enough to talk about her diagnoses. 

“Wow. Sucks.” Emmy had said while making her bed as they prepared for their homeroom. 

When Emmy came to PNC it was teh first year Ryan was assigned a girls’ dorm. In full disclosure the T.A. had to make sure Emmy was fine with rooming with Ryan. Ryan had expected her new roomate to show up oggling her, poking and prodding. Asking what she had in her pants. 

Ryan was almost dissapointed when Emmy showed up, luggage in hand, blowing a bubble and greeting her in a brash Brooklyn accent asking which bed was hers. Ryan’s counselor had walked her through the fact that her new roommate would be informed about the situation due to policy. 

“It’s nobody’s bussiness but yours- but some parents raised concerns over rooming and we feel we need to be fully transparent. I know this is weird and awkward, Miss Batte. Please understand where we’re coming from.” 

But Ryan didn’t want someone to come out for her. She felt like it was her right to disclose her personal information at her own leisure. Yet, disagreement with this set of rules meant back to boys dorms. And despite having a core group of wonderful, accepting male friends… Ryan didn’t want her tits coming in and her bras filling out in the full view of ragingly pubescent cis-gendered boys with bountiful tits but baren wastelands where maturity and experience with girls should be. 

So when Emmy popped into the dorm room, barely giving Ryan a second glance, throwing her two suitcases onto the floor and immediately unpacking, Ryan almost felt cheated. She had almost craved a confrontation. Because no confrontation meant that Emmy just knew something personal about her and Ryan had no control over that. A confrontation meant Emmy could get ahead of it and control how Emmy percieved her. 

Flash forward two years and Ryan’s dorm was decorated with polaroids of her friends, from pre-transition to post. And old faces hadn’t dissapeared or distanced themselves but instead were surrounded by more faces. 

“I’m losing my son.” Ryan’s dad had said, quietly, in the Therapists office. 

“This is a safe space for Ryan.” Dr. Jenny said, her sparkling, kind eyes meeting Ryan’s uncertain ones. “I want to make sure it stays that way.” 

“I didn’t pay for you to diagnose my son as a girl.” Ryan’s dad almost whispered. His voice wasn’t cold… it was… worried. It was sad. Ryan wanted to reach out and touch him but she was nervous that he would pull away in disgust. 

“Ryan is a wonderful kid. You’re lucky to have her. I’ve seen the statistics. You don’t want to lose her.” Dr. Jenny sat back, staring at Ryan’s Dad’s lightly balding head as he rested his forehead on his palms and his elbows on his knees. 

“I think we just need time to take this in,” Ryan’s mom put a hand on Ryan’s knee, reassuringly. She looked from Ryan to her husband before turning to Dr. Jenny again. “This is big news. I just think we need a little time. Together, as a family.” 

“I think that’s a wonderful idea.” Dr. Jenny leaned forward. “What about you, Ryan?” 

“Do you want us to call you Rhiannon or some girly name now?” Ryan’s Dad sat up again, staring at his son for the last time, soaking him in. 

“I…” Ryan stared back at Dr. Jenny, hoping for words. They had rehearsed what Ryan was going to say but since they had stepped into her office she kept looking to Dr. Jenny to take the lead. 

“I think it’s important that you take over this conversation now, Ryan. This is the first of many hard ones that you’ll have. It will get better, but you need to practice saying how you feel and asking people for what you need.” Dr. Jenny watched Ryan with eyes full of warmth and security. She was encouraging her with just her eyes. 

“I just want to stay Ryan.” Ryan almost whispered. “I’m not changing. I’m still me.” Ryan felt hot tears on the rims of her eyes and wished, for a moment, that Dr. Jenny had done this part while simultaneously feeling a cathartic rinse of her soul as she stated what she had always felt deep, deep inside. “I’m still me.” She choked out. 

Her mothers’ breath caught before she pulled Ryan into a warm and meaningful embrace. 

“I’m just… me.” 

“It’s wonderful that you’re dating.” Dr. Jenny, who Ryan now just called Jenny, said with the same encouraging tone. 

“But-” Ryan was redfaced from jumping immediately to defense. 

“-Ryan, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being in love.”

“I never said love.” Ryan felt her face blushing again. 

“Everything you’re feeling, all of this, it’s perfect and beautiful and natural. I’m just asking you to think through how you’re dividing your time. I don’t hear much about your gamer friends anymore. How is Alex and Emmy?” 

“I see them.” Ryan crossed her arms. “I see them all the time. I’m not, like, obsessed-”

“Ryan, please. I’m not attacking you, I promise. I’m just asking you to be more aware. You have had tendencies before to get fixated on certain relationships.”

Not true, Ryan thought, almost scoffing at Jenny, before heer mind flipped back for the summer of 1st grade when her mom married her (step)dad and Ryan sat outside of their bedroom door every weekend morning waiting for her dad to decide what they would do together. 

4th grade Ryan was approached by Taytum Martin during recess. She was the epitome of cool. Ryan’s heart fluttered. 

“I like your shoes. Want to play on the bridge with me.” She had asked. 

Ryan waited for her every day at recess and they would hold hands to the bridge. She kissed him after school one day while waiting for the bus and told him that her mom didn’t want her hanging out with boys yet so they couldn’t play together anymore. She took Brad Messina to the bridge the next day. 

They still date. 

Ryan spent every recess for the rest of the year waiting at the doors until she would pass him, holding Brad’s hand. Ryan would always skulk over to the group of nerdy 4th grade boys he hung out with and they would trade pokemon cards. Nobody ever asked why he was late. 

Sixth grade. Alyssa K asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance and put his hand on her boob under the bleachers. 

He called her dormroom everynight and they would talk about who she thought was stupid and which celebrities were getting fat. Ryan had never cared to gossip maliciously before but suddenly she found herself laughing at whatever comments Alyssa spouted and buying teen magazines to drop off to Alyssa before homeroom. 

“Fine.” Ryan huffed. “Fine.” 

“I never say anything to cause you strife, Ryan.”

“I said fine.” 

“Ryan,” Jenny had to hold back a laugh. “I just want you to leave this week and think about how you’re spending your time. Just monitor. That’s all I’m saying.” 

Ryan stood from her spot in the middle of her room and stretched. Saturday morning. No work scheduled for two days. Her first thought was what Stella was up to. 

So she stomped down to Alex and Emmy’s room, instead. 

“Wake up.” Ryan knocked fourteen consecutive times to the sound of groans, one gutteral yell, and what she was guessing was a pillow being thrown full-force into the door. 

“So inconsiderate,” A bleary-eyed Alex pulled the dorm door open and Ryan passed her to plop down on one of their many-hoarded bean bag chairs. 

“Where do you get the spares?” She asked Emmy. Emmy sat up, hair sticking in every direction and eyes puffy with sleep. 

“Why are you here?” She opened her phone. “It’s 8. Ryan. It’s 8.” 

“I was planning on sleeping in.” Alex groaned and threw herself back on her bed. 

“I need you guys to keep me busy.” 

“Go hang out with Stella. Who gets up this early?” Alex pulled her covers back over her head. “You’re late to everything and you never wake up before noon on a saturday. Why in the world are you up right now?” 

“I went to bed early last night.” Ryan left out teh fact that she had told Stella she was busy so that she could spend some quality time with her friends to appease her therapist but when she went down to the lounge only Emery sat, flipping through channels and eating stale poptarts. 

“How is that our burden now?” Emmy rubbed her eyes. 

“Because none of us have lives. So let’s do something.” Ryan clapped her hands together. She watched Emmy and Alex stare at eachother in a tired daze for a moment before Emmy swung her legs off of the side of her bed and hop down. Alex moaned and slid out of her bed as well. 

“Alright, chief.” Alex’s shoulders slumped. “What’s the plan?”


End file.
